History Under The Influence (Moon Landing, Tyson/Holyfield, W. Bush)

 


History: (n.) It is what we are, who we are, and how we became this. The good, the evil, the conquerers, inventors, dictators, philosophers, saviors, wars, treaties, outer-space, the struggle for freedom, equality, all of it is why this is this. We are now because they were before. We will be there tomorrow but until then we only learn from yesterday

…which is why the now is this.

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 INTRO

The history that we were taught in school has been missing a little something we call truth. #BBLTruth to be precise.  We here at Bye Bye Liver are on a mission to delve deep and bring you the truth behind some of the most important moments in our planet’s history.

Join us now as we take a look at 3 events in “American History Under The Influence”

 


 

CHAPTER 1: ONE SMALL SIP FOR MAN 

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Landing on the moon is a huge feat. Walking on the moon with 600 million people watching is an even larger feat. Through extensive research, i.e. Google searching Wikipedia, we have determined that Neil Armstrong was not only drunk, but hammered as he touched the surface of the moon.

Here’s why: 

At the moment Neil Armstrong’s left foot touched the moon he says, “One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind.”

Think about that for a second. Man and mankind are the same thing and completely interchangeable. He is essentially saying, “One small step for man, one giant leap for man.” It doesn’t make any sense when you think about it.

Come to find out Armstrong intended to say, “One small step for A man, one giant leap for mankind” Which would’ve made a hell of a lot more sense.

Even after hearing the recording, Armstrong was adamant that he did not forget to say the “a” but rather the audio recording was just super sucky.

Ha, right! If anyone was lacking the funds for good audio equipment in the 60’s it was NASA.

Others claim that Neil slurred “for” and “a” together, leaving the “a” completely inaudible. Accent or alcohol?

Whatever the case may be, the only conclusion we can make is that Neil had one too many sips from his space flask.

Just look at the bloodshot eyes in this picture:desktop-1409936807

This dude was hammered! Not too mention it took him 6 hours to figure out how to exit the hatch!

NOTE: The original slow scan source transmission from the lunar surface was accidentally destroyed during routine magnetic tape re-use at NASA. So the astronauts may have not been the only one’s shit-faced off their asses.

 

 


 

CHAPTER 2. THE ULTIMATE BITE

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Was Tyson channeling the dog he was in a previous life or was he suffering from a severe case of the munchies? Either way, all sense of judgment and logic flew right out the window with this one.

Let’s start with a little background: After being taken to the ground for only the second time in his career, you can imagine the rage and embarrassment Tyson must have felt being beat in 11 rounds to an underdog during Tyson and Holyfield’s first fight!

7 months later Holyfield and Tyson proceeded to fight once again.

Now before we jump right back in, lets look at the evidence here. 

Alcohol abuse is a serious thing. Most people who abuse it have had something happen in their past that has effected them greatly to a point that they can’t let go. So, instead of moving on, they take to the bottle to try and forget.

Getting out of bed to train for your chance at redemption may have been enough for some fighters, but Tyson is a different breed. Just look at him now with his tattooed face and slurred speech. Tyson lives in a state of “what the fuck?” that your “everyday person” normally only reaches after periods of heavy drinking.tumblr_mwksjxx5q61rqd0kpo1_250

Some may argue that the bite was just Tyson being Tyson. But that is simply not true. He was drunk. I don’t care what the history is between you and the ear. Holyfield’s ear would not have been chewed up and spit out if it weren’t for the misjudgment and munchies caused by alcohol.

The Conclusion: Tyson knew what he was doing. He walked into that round with no mouthpiece and a hunger only caused by hours of drinking. It’s the same feeling we get when we can’t wait to scarf down fake, disgusting meat from Taco Bell at 3 in the morning.

NOTE: At least Mike Tyson was going for meat that was real, not to mention super fresh.

 


 

CHAPTER 3. THE “W” STANDS FOR WHISKEY

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Bush was hammered when he was elected. He was hammered when he took the oath. He was hammered when he declared war. He was hammered when he exclaimed, “Mission Accomplished!” He was hammered for every State of The Union Address. This man was drunk for 8 years straight and there is no debating it.    

He speaks for himself. That is why I now leave you with this list of quotes made by “Dubya” during his two terms which proves that the “W” really stands for “Whiskey”:


Quotes and Sources found on www.PoliticalHumor.com

“Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream.” –LaCrosse, Wis., Oct. 18, 2000            

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“See, in my line of work you got to keep repeating things over and over and over again for the truth to sink in, to kind of catapult the propaganda.” –Greece, N.Y., May 24, 2005 (Listen to audio clip                                         

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“You teach a child to read, and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test.” -Townsend, Tenn., Feb. 21, 2001

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“Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we.” –Washington, D.C., Aug. 5, 2004 (Watch video clip                                                                

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“I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family.”–Greater Nashua, N.H., Chamber of Commerce, Jan. 27, 2000 (Listen to audio clip)                                                                         

US President George W. Bush (L) plays be

I hear there’s rumors on the Internets that we’re going to have a draft.” –presidential debate, St. Louis, Mo., Oct. 8, 2004 (Watch video clip)

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“You know, one of the hardest parts of my job is to connect Iraq to the war on terror.” –interview with CBS News’ Katie Couric, Sept. 6, 2006

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“”There’s an old saying in Tennessee — I know it’s in Texas, probably in Tennessee — that says, fool me once, shame on –shame on you. Fool me — you can’t get fooled again.” –Nashville, Tenn., Sept. 17, 2002 (Watch video clip)

George Bush

“The most important thing is for us to find Osama bin Laden. It is our number one priority and we will not rest until we find him.” –Washington, D.C., Sept. 13, 2001

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“I don’t know where bin Laden is. I have no idea and really don’t care. It’s not that important. It’s not our priority.” –Washington, D.C., March 13, 2002

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THE END


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About The Author: Timmy Barron went from college drop out, to poorly paid stage actor, to starving musician, to ultimately finding his path leading to Chicago. He currently plays the role of Bar Tender in ‘Bye Bye Liver -Chicago’ at The Public House Theatre, host’s the ‘Buzzed Spelling Bee’ at Elbo Room, and blogs on how to make it in this brutal career of comedy at www.TimmyBarron.com. Twitter: @timmyhartbarron

 

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